When you find out you’re pregnant there’s one word that you never want to hear. It’s the word that “should not be said”. Miscarriage.
In the back of your head you know it’s a possibility, you know it’s your worst fear. But you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud or to voice your fear. You anxiously wait for your second trimester because you know the chances significantly reduce.
All of is true to me- all of this I experienced. Except for making it to my second trimester…
The Test is Positive!
I found out I was pregnant in March of 2016. It was a complete surprise and shock to my husband and me! We had one of those “Oh my gosh, how did this happen??” moments that you see on TV or in movies. Once the shock faded we were flooded with pure joy. We began to rid our food cabinets of coffee and caffeinated teas (we were a little crazy haha), and I immediately stopped taking any medications or vitamins that was not recommended for a pregnant woman. Just being able to fall under the category “pregnant” made me ecstatic!
But then the sickness came. The nausea, the vomiting, the headaches. I swore this couldn’t be what everyone says is “morning sickness”. Not only was the sickness ALL DAY, but it seemed worse- it seemed off. I went to my first OBGYN appointment and the baby’s heartbeat was strong. I saw my little sweet pea and my heart melted. For a second, I forgot about the sickness and the fact that I felt like my body was dying. I knew it was my job to power through this sickness and make the best of carrying my little one. The doctor said everything looked great and what I was experiencing was normal. “Normal”- I sure hate that word.
I went to another appointment for a detailed test making sure the baby had implanted well and in the right place and to make sure the heartbeat was strong with no abnormalities. First, to be able to do the ultrasound I had to have a full bladder- and I couldn’t make my bladder full because NOTHING was staying down. Any liquid over 4 ounces would come right back up. I sat in the doctor’s office for 5 hours sipping an ounce of water every 15 minutes, trying to trick my body into keeping it down. But I kept on powering through and got through the test. What a victory!
The test came back perfect. No abnormalities. Strong heartbeat. Another victory!
The Sickness Continues…
2 weeks later I just felt dead. I knew life was inside of me but I for sure thought I was dying. I couldn’t eat, sleep, drink, walk- nothing. I was so weak from dehydration and undernourishment that I couldn’t walk up the stairs in my house to get to my bedroom. The only thing I could keep down were basic vitamins to keep my body from failing so I can continue to grow a healthy baby. When I did feel better I would try to eat and then the sickness would start all over again. One day my husband came home from work and found me passed out on the bathroom floor. Next thing I knew I was half awake in a car- on the way to the Emergency Room.
After spending the whole night in an ER room with countless doctors trying to find veins to insert an IV for nausea and hydration, I felt better. I was diagnosed with severe morning sickness called hyperemesis gravidarum. I was given nausea medication that dissolved in my mouth and would help me eat and drink. It was the first time in weeks that I could think clearly. I thought to myself, this is it – my turn around!
The Next Appointment
I went to my next appointment, which was the 12-week appointment. I was SO excited to be going into my second trimester because I knew that morning sickness would subside and that I was coming out of the risk of having a miscarriage “the word that must not be said”. The doctor came in and performed the ultrasound. She was quiet and breathing short but steadily. She then went and did the ultrasound again. I was starting to get nervous and panicky- and she noticed. Finally, she looked at me and my husband and said the 5 words that would change our lives- “I don’t see the heartbeat.”
My heart sank. My blood pressure dropped. My mind raced.
I thought to myself “no, it’s a mistake”. I went through a 5-second denial and pretended I didn’t know what she meant. But I knew what she meant. I just couldn’t hear it, I couldn’t bear it.
My eyes welled up in what felt like I was holding back a flood. But I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I felt my eyes began to flood and my face stiffen. I looked at my husband and he was pale with bloodshot, teary eyes.
The doctor softly told us that about a week ago our precious baby’s heart had stopped beating, without explanation. She gave us time to process and then went on to state our options. She recommended a D&C and promised me that she would perform the surgery herself and remove my baby in the most delicate way. I had to schedule the surgery for the next day and pray that I can keep it together long enough to make it through the night.
I had only told my immediate family about the pregnancy, and I’m so glad that I used that discernment. They comforted me and came with me to my procedure. My husband and I cried all night and all morning. I’ll never forget his face as I went into pre-op and had to leave him. He was trying so hard to be strong for me but I could see in his eyes that he was just as broken as I was.
After the procedure, I woke up and asked if my baby was okay- thinking that somehow it was all a dream. I was informed that the procedure went well and that I can try to have another baby as soon as possible.
Another baby- the words hit me like a ton of bricks. I grew a baby and had a baby. I was forever a mom even though my precious little one was not physically with me.
3 Months Later…
3 months later I found out I was pregnant again and even though I was so overjoyed I was sad. I was sad because I knew I would have been at least 6 months with my first baby. Then fear came in. What if the same thing happens to me?? It took everything in me to stay positive those first 12 weeks. It took everything in me to not worry about this baby’s health. I did everything I could to stay healthy, eat healthily and stay positive. I refused to let fear grip me and rob me of my pregnancy with my next baby.
And in April 2017 I had my beautiful little girl. She’s my rainbow baby, my pride and joy, and my life.
From Then to Now
Having a miscarriage changed my life. It changed how I view life. It made me appreciate what I have and the life that comes from me. It made me appreciate my husband and how strong he is. It showed me how strong I was and showed me a lot about myself. My miscarriage made me compassionate for all mothers and gave me hope that even though bad things happen- good can come from it.
In no way, shape, or form am I grateful for my miscarriage. I’m not happy it happened nor do I wish it on my worst enemy. But it’s a part of life and if it does happen, take it one day at a time. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to need someone.
Even as I write this, I’m immediately flooded back with the memories as if it’s happening all over again. And even though it was the worst thing to ever happen to me I’m now able to be there for other mothers who experience this tragedy.
A miscarriage is the loss of a life. 3 years later I still feel the loss every single day and think of my little baby in heaven. That little sweet pea is just as a part of me as my daughter and we celebrate him every year on the day that was supposed to be his birthday, his due date December 1st!
Have you suffered a loss due to a miscarriage and feel like sharing? Don’t hesitate to contact me or share in the comments below. We are all in this together!