Mom Life

Inside: Comparing your child to other children is normal! But find out the dangers and what you can do to take doubts & negativity and turn it into something beautiful!

Ever find out that another child is doing something for the first time and immediately wonder when your baby is going to start doing that??

Well, I’m super guilty of this.

We live in a highly competitive world. Even in the “baby world” I’ve seen people competitive about who got pregnant first, or who had the better baby shower, or who’s baby name is better…and the list goes on and on- it’s absolutely crazy!

I know my daughter will grow and develop at her own pace and I have to tell myself this over and over again to avoid falling into the never-ending pit of comparing her to other children.

It’s only human nature to think of your own children when people talk about their children. But we have the power to not want to automatically compare that child to yours.

Comparing your child to other children rarely encourages you or is helpful to you.

We should strive to always want to add value to our relationship with our baby and comparing your child to others can negatively affect your confidence in you and your baby.

This may sound crazy but I’ll show you some examples that I learned firsthand of how dangerous it can be to compare your baby to others. And how to prevent these dangers as well!

The dangers of comparing your child to other children

Missing Milestones

You can miss your baby’s milestones by being so focused on what they are not doing.

Ever stare at something for too long and find yourself focusing so hard that everything else gets blurry?

This is kind of like what happens when you are so focused on what your child is not doing. You become so engulfed at what you baby can’t do yet that everything your baby can do becomes blurry.

I remember thinking Baby L wasn’t walking as fast as my friend’s babies. It was easy to focus on the fact that she doesn’t walk instead of remembering all of the things she does do.

She may not have been walking yet but she was mastering at least 7 different signs in sign language! This is a major milestone for us and I would have been discrediting her if I had just focused on the fact that she wasn’t walking yet.

It’s important to be aware of what your baby IS accomplishing.

When you get caught up comparing your baby to other babies it puts the focus on what your baby isn’t doing instead of highlighting what your baby CAN do. There are big milestones that your baby will experience but there are also small milestones that they will accomplish too! It doesn’t matter the size of the milestone- a milestone is still a milestone!

All that matters is your baby growing healthy, not the timeline.

As long as your doctor says your baby is steadily growing then that’s all the matters.

For most milestones, there is like a 3-4 month time period that your baby will accomplish that milestone.

Whether your baby does it before the normal time, right at the normal time, or towards the end of the normal time it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that your baby is growing and developing healthily!

Doubt Enters

Being a mother is hard! As mothers, we deal with A LOT.

The last thing we need is to shame ourselves because we don’t live up to another mother. There’s nothing I hate more than when a mother is purposefully showing off to make other moms feel bad.

It’s not only easy to compare your baby to other babies but it’s also really easy to want to compare yourself to another mother.

You give yourself doubt and remove your confidence in yourself by comparing yourself to other mothers.

Maybe the mother of the baby who is walking at 10 months looks like she has it all together while you’re still trying to get your baby to crawl and you look like a hot mess.

Don’t compare your child’s growth with another child by comparing you and the other mother.

Just because another child hit a milestone quicker than your child doesn’t mean that you failed. It doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. It also doesn’t mean that the mother of the other child is necessarily doing something that you aren’t.

When you compare your child, you doubt yourself and remove your confidence in your motherhood. And as we all know, it takes a great deal of strength and confidence to be a mother and the last thing we need is for other mothers to make us feel worse about ourselves.

Missing the Moments

You can miss out on special bonding moments by constantly wanting your baby to do something else

Like the example above, you can easily miss the sweet bonding moments with your baby by constantly waiting for him to do something new.

Be in the moment!

Love the cuddles in the morning, the hugs you give them before bed, the moments she is sitting still on your lap as you read, the crazy dance moves in the tub, the soft embrace when he’s tired- be in the moment for all of the little moments that make it all so worth it.

I know it’s so much fun when your baby starts to do a new activity but it makes it all the more exciting because you savor every moment there is!

Worry Engulfs You

You can possibly give yourself more worry by thinking your baby is behind

I’m going to be honest- there have been quite a few moments that I second-guessed my baby’s growth and thought that she was behind.

“Behind” meaning that she should be reaching a new milestone by now and she hasn’t so she’s possibly behind on growth and development.

When we hear that another child is doing something that your baby isn’t doing yet it’s easy to jump to the assumption that your baby is behind. I’ve definitely been there!

Comparing your child’s growth to another child can definitely lead you down the rabbit hole to thinking “oh my goodness, there’s something wrong with my baby because she’s not doing that yet!”.

Talk about your fears with your spouse and if you need concrete reassurance that everything is totally fine with your baby then discuss it with your baby’s doctor.

But if your baby is healthy and reaching new milestones then don’t worry yourself unnecessarily just because you compared her to another child.

Remember, babies grow and develop at different speeds and at different times!

Enter Discouragement

You can be discouraging and it can possibly hinder your relationship with your baby

Sometimes we don’t realize it but when we are angry or frustrated or upset we can take it out on our children in the craziest ways.

We can tend to focus on the negative, the “things my baby isn’t doing yet” and don’t realize that we are completely disregarding what your baby is doing.

Focus on the positive!

Try not to be discouraged and defeated that your baby didn’t reach a certain milestone or goal yet. You might now realize it but those discouraging thoughts can lead to negative actions and it can possibly come between you and your baby.

Continue to tend and develop your baby’s new milestones while you anticipate and start to prepare your baby for the ones that are coming.

5 ways to Prevent the dangers of comparing your children to others

1. Always celebrate a milestone

I can’t tell you how excited everyone in my family gets every time Baby L accomplishes a new milestone or goal. We take pictures and videos, write it on our calendars as a memory and call everyone we know.

It’s so important to celebrate with your baby- no matter how big or small the milestone is!

2. Teach and encourage your baby to help them grow

I am a strong believer in constantly teaching your baby new things. You might have heard that babies are like sponges- help them absorb all of the good, positive things by daily teaching them new things.

Be sure to show him colors and teach her new words. Let them feel different textures and experience new things. Your baby may not be in school yet but it’s important to remember that you are their first teacher!

3. Be confident in your motherhood

You may feel “unqualified” to teach your baby something or show them new things. You’re not! You are your baby’s mother- you are his caregiver and provider. Be confident in your motherhood and have confidence that you can teach your child and help them grow!

4. Try to learn new things with them

I cannot tell you how many things I have learned since having Baby L! There are new words that I learn and new types of animals that I see in books. An example of this is I wanted to teach Baby L sign language and I didn’t know 1 sign! So, I learned the basic signs and taught them to my daughter. It’s come in handy so much! Now my whole family knows them! I highly encourage parents to learn new things with their children!

5. Surround yourself with great friends/support group

A great way to prevent the dangers of comparing your children to others or yourself to other mothers is to surround yourself with people you trust and who care about you and your family.

Try to stay away from people who will make you fall down the rabbit hole of wanting you to compare your life to theirs. If you feel like you need advice or support, surround yourself with other mothers who are encouraging and supportive and can offer you help when it comes to these things.

There’s nothing worse than a mother in a toxic friendship.

If you’re constantly happy at where your baby is, how she is growing, and your relationship with him then you leave little room for doubt or discouragement to enter your mind when you hear someone else is doing better.

Because of this society we live in, it’s hard not to compare ourselves to others. And even our baby to other babies. We should always be happy to hear about another baby’s growth and milestones and even if your baby may not have reached that milestone yet, we can still actively be in joyous anticipation of our baby growing!

So stay positive and try not to be swallowed by the “my horse is bigger than your horse” society. Don’t let other mothers or parents get you down by comparing their kids to yours or comparing your child to theirs. Children are blessings and each child grows at their own pace and in their own time!

You’re doing a great job momma! Keep up the good work!

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When you find out you’re pregnant there’s one word that you never want to hear. It’s the word that “should not be said”. Miscarriage.

In the back of your head you know it’s a possibility, you know it’s your worst fear. But you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud or to voice your fear. You anxiously wait for your second trimester because you know the chances significantly reduce.

All of is true to me- all of this I experienced. Except for making it to my second trimester…

The Test is Positive!

I found out I was pregnant in March of 2016. It was a complete surprise and shock to my husband and me! We had one of those “Oh my gosh, how did this happen??” moments that you see on TV or in movies. Once the shock faded we were flooded with pure joy. We began to rid our food cabinets of coffee and caffeinated teas (we were a little crazy haha), and I immediately stopped taking any medications or vitamins that was not recommended for a pregnant woman. Just being able to fall under the category “pregnant” made me ecstatic!

But then the sickness came. The nausea, the vomiting, the headaches. I swore this couldn’t be what everyone says is “morning sickness”. Not only was the sickness ALL DAY, but it seemed worse- it seemed off. I went to my first OBGYN appointment and the baby’s heartbeat was strong. I saw my little sweet pea and my heart melted. For a second, I forgot about the sickness and the fact that I felt like my body was dying. I knew it was my job to power through this sickness and make the best of carrying my little one. The doctor said everything looked great and what I was experiencing was normal. “Normal”- I sure hate that word.

I went to another appointment for a detailed test making sure the baby had implanted well and in the right place and to make sure the heartbeat was strong with no abnormalities. First, to be able to do the ultrasound I had to have a full bladder- and I couldn’t make my bladder full because NOTHING was staying down. Any liquid over 4 ounces would come right back up. I sat in the doctor’s office for 5 hours sipping an ounce of water every 15 minutes, trying to trick my body into keeping it down. But I kept on powering through and got through the test. What a victory!

The test came back perfect. No abnormalities. Strong heartbeat. Another victory!

The Sickness Continues…

2 weeks later I just felt dead. I knew life was inside of me but I for sure thought I was dying. I couldn’t eat, sleep, drink, walk- nothing. I was so weak from dehydration and undernourishment that I couldn’t walk up the stairs in my house to get to my bedroom. The only thing I could keep down were basic vitamins to keep my body from failing so I can continue to grow a healthy baby. When I did feel better I would try to eat and then the sickness would start all over again. One day my husband came home from work and found me passed out on the bathroom floor. Next thing I knew I was half awake in a car- on the way to the Emergency Room.

After spending the whole night in an ER room with countless doctors trying to find veins to insert an IV for nausea and hydration, I felt better. I was diagnosed with severe morning sickness called hyperemesis gravidarum. I was given nausea medication that dissolved in my mouth and would help me eat and drink. It was the first time in weeks that I could think clearly. I thought to myself, this is it – my turn around!

The Next Appointment

I went to my next appointment, which was the 12-week appointment. I was SO excited to be going into my second trimester because I knew that morning sickness would subside and that I was coming out of the risk of having a miscarriage “the word that must not be said”. The doctor came in and performed the ultrasound. She was quiet and breathing short but steadily. She then went and did the ultrasound again. I was starting to get nervous and panicky- and she noticed. Finally, she looked at me and my husband and said the 5 words that would change our lives- “I don’t see the heartbeat.”

My heart sank. My blood pressure dropped. My mind raced.

I thought to myself “no, it’s a mistake”. I went through a 5-second denial and pretended I didn’t know what she meant. But I knew what she meant. I just couldn’t hear it, I couldn’t bear it.

My eyes welled up in what felt like I was holding back a flood. But I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I felt my eyes began to flood and my face stiffen. I looked at my husband and he was pale with bloodshot, teary eyes.

The doctor softly told us that about a week ago our precious baby’s heart had stopped beating, without explanation. She gave us time to process and then went on to state our options. She recommended a D&C and promised me that she would perform the surgery herself and remove my baby in the most delicate way. I had to schedule the surgery for the next day and pray that I can keep it together long enough to make it through the night.

The Aftershock

I had only told my immediate family about the pregnancy, and I’m so glad that I used that discernment. They comforted me and came with me to my procedure. My husband and I cried all night and all morning. I’ll never forget his face as I went into pre-op and had to leave him. He was trying so hard to be strong for me but I could see in his eyes that he was just as broken as I was.

After the procedure, I woke up and asked if my baby was okay- thinking that somehow it was all a dream. I was informed that the procedure went well and that I can try to have another baby as soon as possible.

Another baby- the words hit me like a ton of bricks. I grew a baby and had a baby. I was forever a mom even though my precious little one was not physically with me.

3 Months Later…

3 months later I found out I was pregnant again and even though I was so overjoyed I was sad. I was sad because I knew I would have been at least 6 months with my first baby. Then fear came in. What if the same thing happens to me?? It took everything in me to stay positive those first 12 weeks. It took everything in me to not worry about this baby’s health. I did everything I could to stay healthy, eat healthily and stay positive. I refused to let fear grip me and rob me of my pregnancy with my next baby.

And in April 2017 I had my beautiful little girl. She’s my rainbow baby, my pride and joy, and my life.

From Then to Now

Having a miscarriage changed my life. It changed how I view life. It made me appreciate what I have and the life that comes from me. It made me appreciate my husband and how strong he is. It showed me how strong I was and showed me a lot about myself. My miscarriage made me compassionate for all mothers and gave me hope that even though bad things happen- good can come from it.

In no way, shape, or form am I grateful for my miscarriage. I’m not happy it happened nor do I wish it on my worst enemy. But it’s a part of life and if it does happen, take it one day at a time. You don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to need someone.

Even as I write this, I’m immediately flooded back with the memories as if it’s happening all over again. And even though it was the worst thing to ever happen to me I’m now able to be there for other mothers who experience this tragedy.

A miscarriage is the loss of a life. 3 years later I still feel the loss every single day and think of my little baby in heaven. That little sweet pea is just as a part of me as my daughter and we celebrate him every year on the day that was supposed to be his birthday, his due date December 1st!

Have you suffered a loss due to a miscarriage and feel like sharing? Don’t hesitate to contact me or share in the comments below. We are all in this together!

When someone asks me who I am I always respond with: a wife and stay at home mom. It’s who I am. My life and occupation.

I’ll admit that I haven’t always been super excited to say that I am just a stay at home mom but I’ve learned some things along the way that helped me change my perspective…

My Background

If someone one told me at my high school graduation that I would be where I am at today I would not believe them. My dreams of being an Ivy League College graduate living in Los Angeles in a glamorous mansion while I planned extravagant weddings quickly turned into reality after high school. I was born and raised in New York City and my parents worked really hard for our family and to provide for my brothers and me. My parents were able to put us in private school and worked hard to keep us educated and accomplished.

I was accepted to every college I applied for but my family fell into that “middle-class sweet spot” where my hard-working parents earned too much income for me to qualify for financial assistance but didn’t quite make enough to afford the million-dollar colleges of my dreams. After all, I did have 2 other siblings who needed to go to college too!

But it all worked out! I attended a vocational school, loved what I was studying and loved that I was making a difference. I met my husband at this college- so looking back now I’m so grateful that I didn’t attend my dream college because I wouldn’t have met my dream husband and have my beautiful daughter. I worked hard at online business classes and became a registrar of a school managing 4 departments and directing several events.

Fast Forward To Now

When I found out I was pregnant I was teaching 12^th grade in a private school in New York City and finishing up my business degree. I tried so hard to power through my morning sickness-  like all day sickness- but I ended up experiencing a miscarriage and it was devastating. (You can read more about my miscarriage story here.)

I got pregnant again 4 months later and this pregnancy was soo much smoother! But I was battling with high blood pressure from all of the water retention and I eventually had to stop working in my 8^th month of pregnancy. I successfully delivered my beautiful daughter and everything in me longed to stay at home with her and care for her while she grew. I went from never wanting to be a “mom who just stays home” to longing to being a stay at home mom. So I decided not to return to work and my husband was blessed with a new job that allowed me to be a stay at home mom!

5 years ago, the words “stay at home mom” scared me. I was a professional woman- a woman with a million lists and a huge agenda. I thought I would never give up all of my hard work in becoming a respected, established businesswoman to stay at home with my kids. In theory, this sounded crazy to me!

My plan was to take maternity leave, return to work after the 10 weeks and convince my mom to babysit for me. But the moment I saw my little girl emerge into this world and felt her skin on my chest I was melted forever. At that moment I knew I would give up anything and everything in this world to be able to tend to her, take care of her and watch her grow day in and day out.

That’s not to say that I will never return to work, but for right now, this is what is best for my particular family. And ever woman has a right to make her own choice about what is best for her family!

Loving Who I Am

My life may not have turned out how I expected but I wouldn’t change it for the world. When I identify myself as a wife and stay at home mom I have a purpose- I love who I am and who I’ve become. It may be different than what I expected but that just gives me a reason to love my life all the more! I’m not only a mom- I’ve learned to be a mastering mom!

Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams- and if down the road they change, just go with the flow and pursue what you love to do with confidence!